How to deal with friendship changes after becoming a mother

7 August, 2023 / words by IALH Editorial Team

Written by Cloé Vaz-Wiggins

Image via Pinterest

Let me tell you a few stories, of mothers and friends, friends of mothers and mother’s friends. One thing is certain, it all changes. For both the mothers and the friends.

To everyone involved it’s a new stage of life and it’s also a new season in their journey of friendship, this is where they get to find out if they’ll see each other at the end of this milestone. Maybe they’ve been friends since school, maybe they’ve known each other their wholes lives, or maybe, they didn’t need that much time to know they found their person. There’s a lot at stake, for both of them, but from the moment a baby comes into any scenario, everything else seems to lose importance. For the mothers, every single priority shifts and changes, there is nothing more important than this new life, their baby. For the friend, everything they know about relating to this person changes, but their core priorities remain, in the sense that their life still looks like their life.

I want to share with you some experiences of how it changed for some mothers and for some friends. I want to tell you the story of the mother who stops getting invited to things because her friends assume she just can’t go, I also wanted to tell you about the mother that feels left out. The mother that sees not being invited as a blessing. The mum that misses her friends and the mom that accepts the end of some relationships as a natural thing, a sign, of who she can truly count on and who will be there for her and family genuinely, and wholeheartedly.

I also wanted to tell you about the friends that truly try to connect and be part of this new reality but feel less than because they don’t have babies, the friend that checks in every time, or the friends that need to focus on their lives and build their own families. The friends that live in other countries and feel like their missing out on a lot they wish they were present for, or the friend that puts everything on hold to be there, and also, the friend that is not interested in being a friend on a baby’s schedule.

The thing with all of these stories and experiences is this: they all matter. Having these conversations with your friends, whether you’re currently wearing the mom shoe or the friend shoe is important. Making each other feel seen is important. Letting each other know how much whatever experience you’re both going through is valid, is important when showing someone you value and care for their feelings. Having these conversations is especially important when rebuilding friendships in this new stage of life.

In the end, how much changes, becomes a choice both mothers and friends make. It might be subconscious and it might be unconscious, but a decision is made as to how each person is showing up for each other. The decision of investing and staying committed to a friendship is one where there’s no space for the ego. There’s no space for mine is more important than yours. There’s only space for figuring out how can this change be the good thing. How can this change bring you both closer. How can this change serve both and most importantly, add to this baby’s life.

Not in a perfect way, but in a loving way.

Here, as with all of the other relationships in your life, I hope you choose the ones who choose you.

The mothers and the friends.


IALH Editorial Team


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