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19 Sep

How to rebuild your confidence after a breakup

Written by Tiwalowla

Image by @eboneedavis

Ok hun, sad girl summer is over and September is all about new beginnings so wipe those tears and let’s start rebuilding your confidence. 

If you’ve just gone through a bad break up, you might be thinking- am I good enough? Maybe I should have changed. God, not another rejection! Will I ever find love? The pressure is getting wesserrr!! 

The truth is your worth doesn’t depend on your relationship status, or how many people you’ve dated. Your worth is intrinsic and no one or thing can take it away from you. 

When it comes to confidence, it’s not something you just naturally have, it’s a practice. Like anything in life, if it can be knocked it can also be rebuilt so have hope. In my book Confident and Killing It I share 5 steps to take to rebuild your confidence after it’s been knocked. 

For this article I’ve narrowed it down to 3 important things to remember with some practical tips  you’ll also find in my book. 

One negative past situation doesn’t define your whole lifetime…unless you allow it 

Don’t internalise rejection, abuse or failure as something being wrong with you. Who you are and what happens to you are not the same thing. You can never be a failure or a reject, you experience these things and can let them go. You might not be able to change the past but you have the power to rewrite your story moving forward. 

Confidence tip to try– Here’s a journaling prompt to let go of the old and welcome the new. On one piece of paper write all the things you want to release. E.g I release pain, I release fear…keep going until you feel you’ve let it all out. Then rip it up. On another piece of paper write down all the positive things you want to welcome. E.g I welcome peace, I welcome joy. Focus on how you want to feel and be, your desired state. 

Your opinion of yourself matters more than what others think of you 

If you’ve just come out of a toxic relationship where you were talked down to, gas lighted or undermined you might be experiencing low self-esteem. You’ll be glad to know that the way people treat you is not a reflection of your worth, but instead a reflection of their own insecurities and internal perspectives about themselves. Someone who lowkey hates themselves is unable to love you the right way. Someone ghosting you is not a reflection of your value but instead a reflection of their lack of respect and poor communication skills. 

Confidence tip to try– Spend time rediscovering and redefining who you are. What are your strengths? What do you love doing? What brings you joy? How do you want to show up in the world? What impact do you want to have? When have you been proud of yourself? The more aware you are of your positive attributes the more secure you’ll feel about yourself and the less space you’ll have to dwell over negative thoughts and feelings. The positive attributes are 100% there, you just have to put in the work to unlock them. 

Be at peace with the fact that you don’t need closure to move on 

Ooop I said it! Healing is your responsibility and so is your happiness. You are already whole and complete with or without a relationship so if you don’t get the clarity you need at the end of it all, charge it to the game and keep it moving. Sometimes when we go through breakups we don’t actually miss the person, we miss *having* a person. We miss the routines and the memories but the good news is these are things you can always create, you still have a lot of life left to live. 

Confidence tip to try – Instead of avoiding the pain or replaying the hurtful moments all over again, ask yourself what can I learn from this situation? What was it here to teach me?  Forgive the person and then allow yourself to move on. Think of what you need to flourish in life and focus on that. 

A few failed relationships doesn’t mean you’ll never find love again. Life isn’t black and white. I know breakups hurt and they are hard but you’ve already survived 100% of the challenges that have come your way and this one is no different. 

I believe in you, you’ve got this!